I feel like I have been walking on the egg shell. In one moment I told Kathy S. that every thing is great, that Leigh is doing excellent. I am so proud of her. In next moment she would change her mood, yelled at Lyanne for no reason (or for a small reason), or get mad at everyone. What is wrong with her? No one, NO ONE can control my life like this.
I have been thinking about ending my life so I don't need to suffer this fear any more. Why don't I??? I don't want to hurt my mom's feeling, my sister's, my brother's. I don't want Arthur to take the consequence all by himself. I don't want Lyanne to suffer from the fact that her mom took her own life when she was 7. I don't want my death to ruin Lyanne's life. How about Leigh? She will either go crazy, stay in the mental hospital for life, or end her own life because of it. I don't want all these to happen.
So I stay alive.
But I refuse to walk on the egg shell. How????
Friday, August 28, 2009
Sunday, August 16, 2009
A great 2009 summer in Taiwan and China !!
I am so embarrassed that I have not been here (in the blog) for 7 months. Major things have been going great. There are still minor things which I guess (according to Kathy) are normal part of life with teenagers.
Feb 2009 - during mid-winter break we visited Clair in FL again with Kenzi. I rented a car so I basically drove around town. We had a great time.
March 2009 - Leigh did the Emerson musical and had fun. Although she didn't have a big cast, but she did it and had no drama. A good sign. And Leigh got into Skyline by lottery. Hooray...she was so excited. Now she is all set with high school. What a big relieve for us.
April 2009 - it was decided that we will visit Taiwan this summer. I was so excited. After Leigh's depression what I wanted most was to see my family and to spend more time with my own mother. I can totally understand what my mother had been through with my big brother. It is unfortunate that I have to go through the same (not exactly the same) thing but I have learned my mother's strength and to be brave enough to just deal with it.
Emerson graduation party was coming up so I spent lots of time organizing the party for all the kids. Leigh was again doing great.
May 2009 - Emerson FL graduation trip. Leigh had lots of fun. It seemed to be a great integration for all the kids.
Leigh complained about the Taiwan trip again and got emotional about her seperations from her Emreson friends, etc. Got upset with mom in her car. Went home, mom left, and Leigh took 6 pills of Abilify. Leigh didn't make any remark until 9pm when she got sleepy and told Dad that she took 6 pills. Dad took her to ER. Doctor didn't pump her stomach but gave her charcol powder instead. Mom stated that I will not stop disagreeing with Leigh just so that she won't kill herself. Doctors agreed.
June 2009 - Leigh's middle school graduation !!!! Had a great graduation party. Leigh took an ADD testing and it concluded that Leigh does not have ADD problem. However, Naomi let us know that Leigh is still struggling with depression somehow even she is doing well overall.
Lyanne had a wonderful birthday party at home - Magic School Bus party. 23 kids came over and it was awesome. We (including Leigh and Kenzi) had a great time.
Clair's family visited Ann Arbor and stayed with us for a few days. How fun it was for Lyanne and Albert. I love Clair ! She is a wonderful person.
Leigh didn't finish the volleyball camp. But she said she was going to try out volleyball team.
July - August 2009 -
Taiwan and China. What a great trip for all of us. Leigh did great. She helped with Lyanne and Nanda when we were in Beijing. A few complaints about the heat in China. Food choice was a struggle, too, sometimes. But we managed to find some places that make good kung pao chicken. Leigh was happy then.
We enjoyed the Great Wall of China, a little foggy that day but it was a different experience.
Leigh gave my mom a hug when we saw her and Leigh told her that she misses her. I know my mom was very happy. Leigh continued to do well in Shanghai other than the few shopping drama and the intolerance of the heat. It was really hot. But Leigh had a great time with Wei Wei. Wei Wei had turned into a real woman.
Mom and I talked about my brother and his depression. I want to learn my mother's strength. It is unfortunate that I have to go through the same things that I mom had gone through. But I believe this experience had pulled us even closer and our relationship has been stronger. It's so sad that life has to take this pull. But facing it will be the wisest thing to do. And we need to face it together. It is very comforting to see and hear supports from all family members. Arthur's mom is so understanding and so supportive. I truly appreciate it. The support and understanding from my mom, my sister, my niece and my brother are all so strong which are truly a life support for me. Life can be beautiful if I try to make it work.
The pu gua guy told me that I owe Leigh, Lyanne and Arthur from the past life so I need to nurture them this life. It's good to know ;-)
Now let's walk through the new chapter of life with Leigh - high school.
Feb 2009 - during mid-winter break we visited Clair in FL again with Kenzi. I rented a car so I basically drove around town. We had a great time.
March 2009 - Leigh did the Emerson musical and had fun. Although she didn't have a big cast, but she did it and had no drama. A good sign. And Leigh got into Skyline by lottery. Hooray...she was so excited. Now she is all set with high school. What a big relieve for us.
April 2009 - it was decided that we will visit Taiwan this summer. I was so excited. After Leigh's depression what I wanted most was to see my family and to spend more time with my own mother. I can totally understand what my mother had been through with my big brother. It is unfortunate that I have to go through the same (not exactly the same) thing but I have learned my mother's strength and to be brave enough to just deal with it.
Emerson graduation party was coming up so I spent lots of time organizing the party for all the kids. Leigh was again doing great.
May 2009 - Emerson FL graduation trip. Leigh had lots of fun. It seemed to be a great integration for all the kids.
Leigh complained about the Taiwan trip again and got emotional about her seperations from her Emreson friends, etc. Got upset with mom in her car. Went home, mom left, and Leigh took 6 pills of Abilify. Leigh didn't make any remark until 9pm when she got sleepy and told Dad that she took 6 pills. Dad took her to ER. Doctor didn't pump her stomach but gave her charcol powder instead. Mom stated that I will not stop disagreeing with Leigh just so that she won't kill herself. Doctors agreed.
June 2009 - Leigh's middle school graduation !!!! Had a great graduation party. Leigh took an ADD testing and it concluded that Leigh does not have ADD problem. However, Naomi let us know that Leigh is still struggling with depression somehow even she is doing well overall.
Lyanne had a wonderful birthday party at home - Magic School Bus party. 23 kids came over and it was awesome. We (including Leigh and Kenzi) had a great time.
Clair's family visited Ann Arbor and stayed with us for a few days. How fun it was for Lyanne and Albert. I love Clair ! She is a wonderful person.
Leigh didn't finish the volleyball camp. But she said she was going to try out volleyball team.
July - August 2009 -
Taiwan and China. What a great trip for all of us. Leigh did great. She helped with Lyanne and Nanda when we were in Beijing. A few complaints about the heat in China. Food choice was a struggle, too, sometimes. But we managed to find some places that make good kung pao chicken. Leigh was happy then.
We enjoyed the Great Wall of China, a little foggy that day but it was a different experience.
Leigh gave my mom a hug when we saw her and Leigh told her that she misses her. I know my mom was very happy. Leigh continued to do well in Shanghai other than the few shopping drama and the intolerance of the heat. It was really hot. But Leigh had a great time with Wei Wei. Wei Wei had turned into a real woman.
Mom and I talked about my brother and his depression. I want to learn my mother's strength. It is unfortunate that I have to go through the same things that I mom had gone through. But I believe this experience had pulled us even closer and our relationship has been stronger. It's so sad that life has to take this pull. But facing it will be the wisest thing to do. And we need to face it together. It is very comforting to see and hear supports from all family members. Arthur's mom is so understanding and so supportive. I truly appreciate it. The support and understanding from my mom, my sister, my niece and my brother are all so strong which are truly a life support for me. Life can be beautiful if I try to make it work.
The pu gua guy told me that I owe Leigh, Lyanne and Arthur from the past life so I need to nurture them this life. It's good to know ;-)
Now let's walk through the new chapter of life with Leigh - high school.
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