Arthur's Big Blow Out

12/9/2009 Arthur went into ER all by himself, chest pain, got a scan and egk, doctors did a stent procedure on one of his blood vessels right by his heart. One hour, it only took one hour and it saved more trauma for him.

This was traumatic for him because millions of thoughts came to me - will he die? will he parallel? how am I going to handle the kids, the house, our finance? I will need to find a job soon then. Will he die??????????????????? What am I going to say in his funeral? Uh???

This was a wake up call. I need to spend more valuable time with him. Thanks God he is ok. He will just need to take 5 medications every day for at least a year, and quit smoking. Now he does 3 cigirates a day, he said. He will slow down and quit eventually.

I am thankful ....

I was once wonder, how long would my nightmare end.

I was once confused, why was my life so different.

I was once resentful, why didn’t I have the family my friends had.

I am now thankful, for the two girls and a man in my life.

I am now thankful, for the great awakening came to me.

I am now thankful, for my ability to change.

I am thankful, Leigh my dear, for your hard work standing strong.

I am thankful, for your courage to deal with your nightmare.

I am thankful, my dear, for your ability to thrive.

I am thankful, my dear Lyanne, for your charm that cheers me up all the time.

I am thankful, my little princess, for you forgiving my rage.

I am thankful, little Lyanne, for singing to me and hugging me when I am tense.

I am thankful, daddy, for your tolerance on my imperfections.

I am so very thankful, for your pure existence.

I am thankful, Arthur, for being there for me endless of time.

I am now thankful, for the opportunity to thank, not regret.

Pei

Thanksgiving Day 2009

First Homecoming Dance !!

Thanks God Leigh's first homecoming dance was over. It was overall a fun experience to Leigh. Although two things - Nate didn't text her when he got there, and she wasn't invited to Nancy's post-dance party - bothered her, but she ended up dancing with Alex (her guy for the week) and she was happy.

She is keeping up with her emotions pretty well - school, homework, tests, boys, etc. She doesn't want to skate again, too much stress and too hard to catch up. I am so worry that her life is not too fulfilled right now. But she likes to take it easy.... .what can I say?

Life is ok now. No argument, no fighting. I have learned to shut up and keep quiet. Just listen. She is pretty much telling me a lot of things, so I am thankful.

Lyanne has sharp eyes. She knows what is going on. One day she was in my car and she asked - mommy, not counting me, Leigh and Daddy, what do you care the most? She stunted me. I didn't know how to answer. Nothing. There is nothing that I care about other than these 3 people in my life. I care about my mom, my sister and my brother, and my friends, of course. But it can't compare. Uncomparable. I would give up any thing to keep these 3 people healthy and happy.

I guess that is how I define my life - my family comes first. I couldn't move on with Leigh being ill. I just had to give up every thing. But Lyanne was confused, I guess. She said, there's got to be something else that you care about. She was so right. I was speechless.

If my current definition of my life is not right, how should I define my life?

BG reunion !!

Finally we got together - Sue Sopa, John Sopa, Kitty, Bruce, and the kids. This is such a strange feeling like you ran into a time machine and go back to 10 years ago..... other than that the kids are not toddlers any more. They are teenagers. Other than that, nothing seemed to change. Adults are still the same - talking, laughing, being silly, and think about what and where good food are, etc. Oh, one more thing, college planning. We used to talk about pre-school and kindergarten, but now we talk about high school stuff and college planning. Sigh !!! Time !! Time really don't let us get away with it!!!!!

It was so comforting to see Leigh getting along well with Elyse and Peter. I am so proud of her. She just took it easy and go with the flow. Oh, how I hope that we never moved and still all live in BG and these kids grew up together and are still best friends. That will be so ...... comforting, secure, and cozy. These 5 kids grew up together and are best friends and best siblings. They can share any thing and support each other..... what a shame. Adults ! Adults ! Adults ! You have too much greed and too much ambition. And it kills the kids' friendship.

Oh, how I wish .................................................

High school, Finally !!!

It's the 3rd day of high school at Skyline High. Leigh was stressed out but she turned out to be calm and ready for it. I am so proud of her. Monday was the Labor Day holiday so school started Tuesday. But boy, Monday morning she was stressed. Snapping at us and was bored. But in the evening she was getting her school bag ready with binders, note books, etc. And even took a shower and washed her hair ;-) She was getting ready. I am so proud of this girl. I can't imagine her anxiety and fear of walking into a classroom with NO ONE she knows. NO ONE. She said. But thankfully she is now having the same lunch hour with Kenzi, Kennedy twins and some Emerson kids. Thanks God.

Second day she said it was getting better than the first day. Good. I told her it will get better.

Now I just need to keep her busy every day with ice skating on Tuesday, Wednesday, and hopefully volunteer work on other days.

Poor girl, high school is scary.

Egg Shell

I feel like I have been walking on the egg shell. In one moment I told Kathy S. that every thing is great, that Leigh is doing excellent. I am so proud of her. In next moment she would change her mood, yelled at Lyanne for no reason (or for a small reason), or get mad at everyone. What is wrong with her? No one, NO ONE can control my life like this.

I have been thinking about ending my life so I don't need to suffer this fear any more. Why don't I??? I don't want to hurt my mom's feeling, my sister's, my brother's. I don't want Arthur to take the consequence all by himself. I don't want Lyanne to suffer from the fact that her mom took her own life when she was 7. I don't want my death to ruin Lyanne's life. How about Leigh? She will either go crazy, stay in the mental hospital for life, or end her own life because of it. I don't want all these to happen.

So I stay alive.

But I refuse to walk on the egg shell. How????

A great 2009 summer in Taiwan and China !!

I am so embarrassed that I have not been here (in the blog) for 7 months. Major things have been going great. There are still minor things which I guess (according to Kathy) are normal part of life with teenagers.

Feb 2009 - during mid-winter break we visited Clair in FL again with Kenzi. I rented a car so I basically drove around town. We had a great time.

March 2009 - Leigh did the Emerson musical and had fun. Although she didn't have a big cast, but she did it and had no drama. A good sign. And Leigh got into Skyline by lottery. Hooray...she was so excited. Now she is all set with high school. What a big relieve for us.

April 2009 - it was decided that we will visit Taiwan this summer. I was so excited. After Leigh's depression what I wanted most was to see my family and to spend more time with my own mother. I can totally understand what my mother had been through with my big brother. It is unfortunate that I have to go through the same (not exactly the same) thing but I have learned my mother's strength and to be brave enough to just deal with it.

Emerson graduation party was coming up so I spent lots of time organizing the party for all the kids. Leigh was again doing great.

May 2009 - Emerson FL graduation trip. Leigh had lots of fun. It seemed to be a great integration for all the kids.

Leigh complained about the Taiwan trip again and got emotional about her seperations from her Emreson friends, etc. Got upset with mom in her car. Went home, mom left, and Leigh took 6 pills of Abilify. Leigh didn't make any remark until 9pm when she got sleepy and told Dad that she took 6 pills. Dad took her to ER. Doctor didn't pump her stomach but gave her charcol powder instead. Mom stated that I will not stop disagreeing with Leigh just so that she won't kill herself. Doctors agreed.

June 2009 - Leigh's middle school graduation !!!! Had a great graduation party. Leigh took an ADD testing and it concluded that Leigh does not have ADD problem. However, Naomi let us know that Leigh is still struggling with depression somehow even she is doing well overall.

Lyanne had a wonderful birthday party at home - Magic School Bus party. 23 kids came over and it was awesome. We (including Leigh and Kenzi) had a great time.

Clair's family visited Ann Arbor and stayed with us for a few days. How fun it was for Lyanne and Albert. I love Clair ! She is a wonderful person.

Leigh didn't finish the volleyball camp. But she said she was going to try out volleyball team.

July - August 2009 -

Taiwan and China. What a great trip for all of us. Leigh did great. She helped with Lyanne and Nanda when we were in Beijing. A few complaints about the heat in China. Food choice was a struggle, too, sometimes. But we managed to find some places that make good kung pao chicken. Leigh was happy then.

We enjoyed the Great Wall of China, a little foggy that day but it was a different experience.
Leigh gave my mom a hug when we saw her and Leigh told her that she misses her. I know my mom was very happy. Leigh continued to do well in Shanghai other than the few shopping drama and the intolerance of the heat. It was really hot. But Leigh had a great time with Wei Wei. Wei Wei had turned into a real woman.

Mom and I talked about my brother and his depression. I want to learn my mother's strength. It is unfortunate that I have to go through the same things that I mom had gone through. But I believe this experience had pulled us even closer and our relationship has been stronger. It's so sad that life has to take this pull. But facing it will be the wisest thing to do. And we need to face it together. It is very comforting to see and hear supports from all family members. Arthur's mom is so understanding and so supportive. I truly appreciate it. The support and understanding from my mom, my sister, my niece and my brother are all so strong which are truly a life support for me. Life can be beautiful if I try to make it work.

The pu gua guy told me that I owe Leigh, Lyanne and Arthur from the past life so I need to nurture them this life. It's good to know ;-)

Now let's walk through the new chapter of life with Leigh - high school.

Happy Chinese New Year !

Chinese New Year party is finally over. Finally !! It went well and all my hard work paid off. Food was great and we got left over ! How's that. Leigh didn't want to go, and then wanted to go, etc. I reminded her that it is a long hour and her dad and I will not be able to take her home if she gets bored. Then she didnt' want to go. About 10pm she called and screamed at her dad's ear.

Maybe I should have encouraged her to go with us. At least she would be surrounded by people and would not get bored and isolated. But I just couldn't deal with her when I was under stress myself. I would scream her head off if she gave me hard time over there at the party.

OK, now Kenzi is going to Skyline. It's good and bad I guess. Good thing is Leigh will have friends and I can be assured that Leigh will hang out with Kenzie but not Mr. Joe Smoe. Bad thing is Leigh will still be surrounded with materialism and monetary desire provided by Kenzi. Oh, well, I guess those are still way better than drug, alcohol and weapon. So over all it's not a bad thing. I am glad.

We are going to Taiwan, Beijing and Shanghai, yepii. I am so happy. I can't wait to see my mom, my sister, my brother and friends. Leigh seems to be happy, too, because her cousine Wei Wei will take her to shoppiong in Shanghai, and her aunt Jennifer will company us in Beijinig. These trips will make our Taiwan/Asia visit a lot more fun. That way Leigh will not get bored then. Good plan.

For mid-winter break Kenzi is coming to FL with us. We still get to stay with Clair, how nice. Now I only need to worry about the spring break in April. Let's just get it done one by one.

You should take a big break, Pei.

Long time no see....

Hey, I haven't been here for a while. It doesn't mean life is all good. We still got bumps and fall, but Leigh seems to be trying to manage her emotions a lot more. She is managing her mood.

The Christmas trip to FL went well. We all saw baby Nanda and Bruce, and enjoyed Sea World. Leigh didn't want to go to the beach with us because she had done too much of socialization. She read books and didn't eat a thing that day. She was sad about the story, she said. We went to Busch Garden together and she got annoyed about the boredom. And then the outlet mall and Juicy Coutour store cheered her up. A lot !!

New Year's Eve dinner again was a drag and she didn't go of course. Mad, upset, cry, and "you don't care about me" all didn't stop us from going to the party that we have been to for the past 15 years. Leigh ended up arranging to join Kenzi for the New Year's Eve. There was no struggle and she agreed to come home after the dinner, no sleep-over. She was fine. Good sign. We did the count down together though. Good-bye 2008. Hope for a better 2009.

Don't get me wrong. My story is not over yet. We still got some drama where "I am going to stab you" or "you should just stab yourself" were said. K said it's not unusual for the teens who have mood disorder to say that kind of things. It's typical. So no worries. ok. I still want to give Leigh credits. She does try very hard like working out in the basement to get rid of her boredom feeling, joining the girl's baseketball team as Assistant Coach, doing the Language project on time, taking med on time, being nice to our pets and her sister, and trying to control herself with us. She tries.

Lagrou said "you have done every thing". I guess.

The road in front of us is getting straighter and smoothier. I am just getting ready for her high school. And she said she is pretty set with Skyline. So Skyline there is.