I have been talking to Mom everyday over the phone. Mom mostly didn't want to talk much. She especially avoid talking about her condition. She started coughing lately and the doctor re-visit proved that her lung cancer cells are growing bigger ;-(
It is so hopeless that I am so far away and can't to anything. I can't even take her out to the park when it is sunny day in Taipei. This is the saddest part, not about her cancer, that there is NOTHING, literaly NOTHING, I can do about her illness. Brother seems to agree with the doctor that Mom should try different chemo. Ag Gi and I think Mom should focus on Chinese medicine from now on.
Watching Mom suffer is really painful, but watching my own husband ignoring what is happening to my own mother and continue to smoke is even more painful. It is like I have this long term project waiting for me to take over.
Why can other people's parents live up to 90s but mine can't?? What did I do wrong? Or what did I not do enough?
I really hope, really/really/really/really hope that Mom won't suffer any pain. I hope that Mom will die peacefully and painlessly ;-( If God is fair like others said, then he should let Mom die peacefully and painlessly since she is already sick!
That's it! God already give the illness to my Mom, at least let her die peacefully, please!
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Mom is home !
Mom went home on 2/16/2012 ! She was very excited and stayed awake for the whole mornign just so that she can come home with us. She walked up the stairs 5 stories with our support. She likes her new room. She walks from her bed to the bathroom with our support, too. So she doesn't need the potty chair any more, yay!!! Way to go, mom!
The anxiety between my sister, my sister-in-law and me are just intense. But we have to understand our good intentions and try to support each other.
Ati is great! I really like her. She is very kind, very patient, very humble and willing to learn. Most of all, she cares about mom. That's it! That is all I want is someone who really cares about mom. We went through the entire food/medicine/suppliment schedule and she is catching up fast!
Mom still feels dizzy sometimes but can eat with her mouth sometimes, too. Mom stared taking Tarceva on 2/13 so it's been 7 days. Hopefully the side effects are minimum.
Arthur and the girls are coming in the morning, yay!!! Mom will be very happy to see them.
The anxiety between my sister, my sister-in-law and me are just intense. But we have to understand our good intentions and try to support each other.
Ati is great! I really like her. She is very kind, very patient, very humble and willing to learn. Most of all, she cares about mom. That's it! That is all I want is someone who really cares about mom. We went through the entire food/medicine/suppliment schedule and she is catching up fast!
Mom still feels dizzy sometimes but can eat with her mouth sometimes, too. Mom stared taking Tarceva on 2/13 so it's been 7 days. Hopefully the side effects are minimum.
Arthur and the girls are coming in the morning, yay!!! Mom will be very happy to see them.
Monday, February 13, 2012
Mom walked for a long time today with just a little help!
Mom has been having really good spirit these few days. Woke up cheerful, stay awake for longer time, willing to use potty chair, AND walked with just a little help from brother and me in the garden. She was doing great walking in the garden with just a little support from us. I think Mom can climb the stairs back home herself !! We think the energy drink from the Chinese medicine doctor is helping.
Mom started taking Tarceva today. I hope it will help her!
This morning when mom woke up she told me secretly that "she had a dream". I asked what kind of dream with a little fear that she drame of my father or my oldest brother ;-( Mom smiled and told me she had a dream that someone wanted to marry me. "Me?" Yes, a very rich man who owns a department store. "Wow.. a rich man wants to marry me?" Yes, "but I said no." Why? "Because if he marries you then I don't have anyone." That is the sweetest thing I have ever heard from anyone. Mom doesn't want the rich man to marry me because she wants me to be with her forever ;-) This is making me sad because I told her "I will never marry and I will live with you forever."
Brother's home is ready for mom to go home. Mom will see the Chinese medicine doctor at Tse Chi, and will re-visit the radiation doctor on Tuesday, and then she can go home !! Mom can't wait to go home. "What do you want to do the most when you go home?" I asked. "To live a normal life." Mom said.
So we plan for Mom to go home on 2/15, yipeee... the Indonesia helper, Ah Di, will come Friday morning. Let's hope all will go well with Mom's home-coming!!
Mom started taking Tarceva today. I hope it will help her!
This morning when mom woke up she told me secretly that "she had a dream". I asked what kind of dream with a little fear that she drame of my father or my oldest brother ;-( Mom smiled and told me she had a dream that someone wanted to marry me. "Me?" Yes, a very rich man who owns a department store. "Wow.. a rich man wants to marry me?" Yes, "but I said no." Why? "Because if he marries you then I don't have anyone." That is the sweetest thing I have ever heard from anyone. Mom doesn't want the rich man to marry me because she wants me to be with her forever ;-) This is making me sad because I told her "I will never marry and I will live with you forever."
Brother's home is ready for mom to go home. Mom will see the Chinese medicine doctor at Tse Chi, and will re-visit the radiation doctor on Tuesday, and then she can go home !! Mom can't wait to go home. "What do you want to do the most when you go home?" I asked. "To live a normal life." Mom said.
So we plan for Mom to go home on 2/15, yipeee... the Indonesia helper, Ah Di, will come Friday morning. Let's hope all will go well with Mom's home-coming!!
Friday, February 3, 2012
Mom is progressing !!
Mom got off her bed and got on the wheel chair, wohoo !! She did it almost every day now. I pushed her around the floor and admired the Chinese paintings on the walls. She still keeps her eyes closed. I asked her why? It's too tire to open her eyes. She said. Can you imagine even opening eyes is tiring. I can't imagine sitting up, standing on the floor, walking, etc. Every little thing is taking all her energy.
Doctor said once mom is done with the radiation on 2/6 she probably can go home ;-) What a great news that comes with fear and worries. How is mom going to handle her routine at home? Even we hire a helper, is mom going to stay in the bed all day, still? Does she have the motivation to take control of herself and her action? I don't know. Mom does have the motivation to eat and to go to the bathroom herself I guess because it is not comfortable go potty in her diaper. But lying in bed and sleeping all day is comfoy, she said.
Radiation doctor told me this morning that once mom is all done with the radiation she will start losing hair ;-( Little by little ! Why does "hair" matter that much? Mom has been suffering from losing the ability to walk, to chew and to swallow, but losing hair seems to be the most miserable side effect to me. Why? I don't know. It looks sad, I guess.
Every time when people ask how old mom is, I try to boot up her age by responding 79 almost 80. Why? I feel ashamed that mom is suffering from cancer in such a young age, 78. People with good intention show sympathy about mom's young age, but I feel ashamed. It must be the kids' fault that a young mother suffers from cancer. I don't know. I just feel that way.
Sitting here listening to mom's snoring is very reassuring. Ah.. mom is alive and living strong! Many times I woke up in the middle of night with fear, checking mom's chest to make sure she is still breathing.
A friend told me not to think about losing mom forever, just go day by day. It is so true. Imagine I will never see mom again and never talk to mom again makes it untolerable.
It is not acceptable.
Doctor said once mom is done with the radiation on 2/6 she probably can go home ;-) What a great news that comes with fear and worries. How is mom going to handle her routine at home? Even we hire a helper, is mom going to stay in the bed all day, still? Does she have the motivation to take control of herself and her action? I don't know. Mom does have the motivation to eat and to go to the bathroom herself I guess because it is not comfortable go potty in her diaper. But lying in bed and sleeping all day is comfoy, she said.
Radiation doctor told me this morning that once mom is all done with the radiation she will start losing hair ;-( Little by little ! Why does "hair" matter that much? Mom has been suffering from losing the ability to walk, to chew and to swallow, but losing hair seems to be the most miserable side effect to me. Why? I don't know. It looks sad, I guess.
Every time when people ask how old mom is, I try to boot up her age by responding 79 almost 80. Why? I feel ashamed that mom is suffering from cancer in such a young age, 78. People with good intention show sympathy about mom's young age, but I feel ashamed. It must be the kids' fault that a young mother suffers from cancer. I don't know. I just feel that way.
Sitting here listening to mom's snoring is very reassuring. Ah.. mom is alive and living strong! Many times I woke up in the middle of night with fear, checking mom's chest to make sure she is still breathing.
A friend told me not to think about losing mom forever, just go day by day. It is so true. Imagine I will never see mom again and never talk to mom again makes it untolerable.
It is not acceptable.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Unpredictable Routine
We got a routine, a very chaotic and unpredictable routine. But the very certain predictable within the chaotic unpredictable makes life here in the hospital very fulfilling.
First started with our morning, "Good morning, mommy" usually received a very cheerful Good Morning in return. Changing diaper, adding a sheet underneath, baby powder, diaper, and occassionally vomittiing are the easy one. Mom's desire of getting off the bed and going potty herself is the tough one.
First started with our morning, "Good morning, mommy" usually received a very cheerful Good Morning in return. Changing diaper, adding a sheet underneath, baby powder, diaper, and occassionally vomittiing are the easy one. Mom's desire of getting off the bed and going potty herself is the tough one.
Monday, January 23, 2012
My Mommy
It was a strange voicemail. It was from my brother in Taiwan. I had a feeling that he didn't sound right; he asked me to return his call on his cell phone. He rarely asks me to return his phone call not to mention this time he wanted me to return his phone call to his cell phone. Must be something wrong. Would it be mommy? What else? I called him. Mom is sick.
Mom has cancer !!!
Doctor's first diagnosis is possible lung cancer which has moved to her brain causing dizzy and imbalance. So brother took mom to the local clinic who then prescribed some medicine for dizziness. A day later mom was still dizzy and couldn't walk well. Brother then took mom to the local hospital where doctor did x-ray and saw something in mom's lung. Doctor highly recommended brother taking mom to the ER. Brother then took mom to the Tzi-Ze Budhist Hospital where doctors did x-ray on mom's lung, and then MRI on mom's brain. It's lung cancer which moved to mom's brain and caused 4 big brain tumors. The tumors are blocking some of the nerve cells which affects mom's mobility. Mom moved in to the hospital on 1/16 evening. Brother called me on 1/19, and I flew to Taipei on 1/21.
Mom has been well and not-so-well back and forth. First day on 1/21 mom recognized me right away, she smiled when I told her I am Pei Pei. Right after I put mom's teeth in her mouth she asked "what is Arthur going to eat?" Mom was still concerned with Arthur's eating. Mom was very weak and hardly talked. But today 1/22 mom did very well. Mom was joking with us, kind of, and making comments about our conversations, etc. Mom had a pretty good spirit today.
Doctors realized mom has infections in her throat which caused her neck swelling and difficulty breathing and swallowing. So they put mom on anti-biotics and an oxygen mask. With the difficulty swalloing doctors recommended inserting food tube to ensure sufficient nutritions for mom. So they did it today. It was horrify to Bi Yao and Mei Jong, but I was ok. I watched the whole process. It was uncomfortable for mom, very much. But that is the only way to input nutrition to mom now. She needs to have more energy.
Life is tough, it's even worse when you lose your health. I am blessed that I can spend all these time with mom right now. There is so much love and joy in this hospital room.
So mom got to get better! She has to!
Mom has cancer !!!
Doctor's first diagnosis is possible lung cancer which has moved to her brain causing dizzy and imbalance. So brother took mom to the local clinic who then prescribed some medicine for dizziness. A day later mom was still dizzy and couldn't walk well. Brother then took mom to the local hospital where doctor did x-ray and saw something in mom's lung. Doctor highly recommended brother taking mom to the ER. Brother then took mom to the Tzi-Ze Budhist Hospital where doctors did x-ray on mom's lung, and then MRI on mom's brain. It's lung cancer which moved to mom's brain and caused 4 big brain tumors. The tumors are blocking some of the nerve cells which affects mom's mobility. Mom moved in to the hospital on 1/16 evening. Brother called me on 1/19, and I flew to Taipei on 1/21.
Mom has been well and not-so-well back and forth. First day on 1/21 mom recognized me right away, she smiled when I told her I am Pei Pei. Right after I put mom's teeth in her mouth she asked "what is Arthur going to eat?" Mom was still concerned with Arthur's eating. Mom was very weak and hardly talked. But today 1/22 mom did very well. Mom was joking with us, kind of, and making comments about our conversations, etc. Mom had a pretty good spirit today.
Doctors realized mom has infections in her throat which caused her neck swelling and difficulty breathing and swallowing. So they put mom on anti-biotics and an oxygen mask. With the difficulty swalloing doctors recommended inserting food tube to ensure sufficient nutritions for mom. So they did it today. It was horrify to Bi Yao and Mei Jong, but I was ok. I watched the whole process. It was uncomfortable for mom, very much. But that is the only way to input nutrition to mom now. She needs to have more energy.
Life is tough, it's even worse when you lose your health. I am blessed that I can spend all these time with mom right now. There is so much love and joy in this hospital room.
So mom got to get better! She has to!
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