Mom is progressing !!

Mom got off her bed and got on the wheel chair, wohoo !! She did it almost every day now. I pushed her around the floor and admired the Chinese paintings on the walls. She still keeps her eyes closed. I asked her why? It's too tire to open her eyes. She said. Can you imagine even opening eyes is tiring. I can't imagine sitting up, standing on the floor, walking, etc. Every little thing is taking all her energy.

Doctor said once mom is done with the radiation on 2/6 she probably can go home ;-) What a great news that comes with fear and worries. How is mom going to handle her routine at home? Even we hire a helper, is mom going to stay in the bed all day, still? Does she have the motivation to take control of herself and her action? I don't know. Mom does have the motivation to eat and to go to the bathroom herself I guess because it is not comfortable go potty in her diaper. But lying in bed and sleeping all day is comfoy, she said.

Radiation doctor told me this morning that once mom is all done with the radiation she will start losing hair ;-( Little by little ! Why does "hair" matter that much? Mom has been suffering from losing the ability to walk, to chew and to swallow, but losing hair seems to be the most miserable side effect to me. Why? I don't know. It looks sad, I guess.

Every time when people ask how old mom is, I try to boot up her age by responding 79 almost 80. Why? I feel ashamed that mom is suffering from cancer in such a young age, 78. People with good intention show sympathy about mom's young age, but I feel ashamed. It must be the kids' fault that a young mother suffers from cancer. I don't know. I just feel that way.

Sitting here listening to mom's snoring is very reassuring. Ah.. mom is alive and living strong! Many times I woke up in the middle of night with fear, checking mom's chest to make sure she is still breathing.

A friend told me not to think about losing mom forever, just go day by day. It is so true. Imagine I will never see mom again and never talk to mom again makes it untolerable.

It is not acceptable.