Thanks God, Thanksgiving dinner is over !

Leigh didn't want to go to the Thanksgiving dinner at Joyce's house originally. She was worry about her anxiety. I had to bribe her with $100, plus Joyce's sent her message and asking her to go. Finally she agreed to go. She did go. I am so glad.

We had a good time. Joe and Dennis are good at singing the karaoke. That was fun. Kathy recommended that we set up a time frame with Leigh so she wouldn't just ask us to leave whenever she wanted to. That was a great idea. So we setup 4pm to 9pm. Leigh did eat with the other kids and kind of played the games with those teens. Although she also spent some time on her iPod and cell phone. But she didn't use her laptop. At 9pm she reminded me that we should leave. So we did.

So I need to remember that with Leigh we always need to setup the right expectation at the beginning so she can't do whatever she wants.

We are going to Somerset Mall tomorrow as our Thanksgiving tradition. We will take pictures with Santa. Lyanne was the cutest. She gave everyone a hug when we left.

It's Leigh's birthday !

It's Leigh's birthday. We call her Gui Gui. That is her nick name since baby. Last night we took Leigh to Gaucho Brazilian Steakhouse for a nice dinner. She was fine at the beginning but then she was done very quickly and didn't feel comfortable. She said that place didn't make her comfortable. And then she said "this is the worst birthday dinner I ever had". Although that hurt my feeling but I didn't say any thing. I just asked her why? She said that place is too formal and she wasn't comfortable. Oh, well, no one is watching you, you know. I said. It doesn't matter.

I still don't know if we should give her a lecture about her comment or if we should just let it go. We need to talk to K about this. Leigh often says negative things to hurt others' feelings. I made special arrangement for her birthday because I know we have never done any thing special for her other than her birthday party. I wanted to take her out for a nice dinner.

This morning I had Lyanne gave her the heart locket necklace. She was very surprised and very happy. Well, that made me feel better about her birthday. She loves the necklace and has been wearing it whole day. She loves Lyanne's and Sammie's photos in it and thought they were cute. She loves the engraving with her name on. I am glad.

Have I been enabling her too much? Jonathan thought she needs to learn that she can't treat others like she treats us. But can she treat us like that? Is she supposed to? I think we know the answer. But how much should we still educate her at this point?

I often wonder if she does have Borderline Personality Disorder. Although she is too young but many symptoms fit her personality and behavior. I got to talk to K about this again even she said adolescents should not be considered BPD because they are still developing and they are borderline anyway. Got to talk to K tomorrow again.

My therapist is great - Daniel De Sena

I saw Dan today. He again helped me to realize that I have problem saying No to some people such as Leigh. I avoid confrontation. I don't tell my true issue and true concerns but instead I just find excuse to avoid saying No. But the truth is, I still get pissed off and I would come back to it later which usually leads into a bigger confrontation. I hate myself for doing that. I hate to disappoint people, but I hate against my own will even more. So I would get pissed off and later I would find chance to get back to people. I hate that! I hate that! I hate that! I guess because: Confrontation = chaos = discomfort = threat to me = losing power and control = danger.

Dan suggested that every morning I tell myself - today there will be some challenges and I will be fine. So prepare for the worst instead of trying to make every day a perfect day. I promised him I will try that and see how it goes. Expand my comfort zone and be flexible to deal with challenges.

All therapy are going well for us now - parenting strategy with Kathy Schoof, Leigh is working with Jonathan Marin and Dr. Lagrou, and I am working with Daniel De Sena. Things are looking good.

This Sunday will be Leigh's 14th birthday. We are taking her to Gaucho Brazilian Steakhouse at Northville for a nice dinner without Lyanne. I want to give her undivided attention. Leigh is turning 14 .... ;-) She is doing so well now and I am so happy for her.

Finally, we talked about Thanksgiving dinner party.

I have been avoiding it. I avoid discussing Thanksgiving dinner party with Leigh just like how Leigh avoids stressful event. Finally I did it tonight. I started our discussion and it ended with tear, cry, threat, and suicidal threat. I knew it. I just knew it would turn into a trauma. But I had to do it, K said. So I did. She couldn't do it, Leigh said. She can't face those people, she said. She will kill herself and hurt herself if we force her to go. I understand. I really do. But I wanted her to face the event bravely just like she did the presentation. It will be painful but she has to face it. This is a part of her treatment, I said. She cried. ok, daddy and mommy will discuss it.

Watching TV together kind of gave all of us a break while we still stayed together. Finally I said, you get to pick an outfit for the holiday and go to the party with us. Leigh's face lighted up and asked if it includes the shoes. So after all, the event is not that miserable for her to face. I felt a little happier. It is not as bad as I thought it was. I want her to face this bravely. I want to help her to get over her social anxiety.

Then I thank. I thank my parents for giving me a healthy mind that I do not need to struggle with myself over the little daily things. We have all been taking it for granted with our healthy mind. We do not understand how difficult it is to battle with our own mind over little thing such as eating and talking.

I am Lyanne's BFFLWM !!!

Lyanne made me cry again. I read the Krean poem to her before bed time. We both love that poem book. We had our usual bed time cuddling and kissing game where I try to kiss her and she tries to avoid me. I never get tired of telling her that I love her. Then she said we are BFFL - Best Friend For Life. And then she changed it to BFFLWM - Best Friend For Life With Mom. What else can I ask for? I pray that she will forever remember this moment. I pray that this moment to freeze. I told myself that I will never turn into the mom that pushes her to become a teenager who hates her mom. I told myself.

And then I remember, Leigh and I had that moment, too. I used to kiss Leigh and pretend I was her boy friend. "Hi, what is your name? My name is Michael. Can I be your boy friend?" was our usual game. But the difference is - I didn't realize that moment could slip so easily. I turned into the mom that stopped listening to my daughter and yelled at my daughter. I forgot that she is still that little shy girl who likes the gentle game with her mom. So now I tell myself, they will always be the little girls that are shy, gentle, and need a little more assurance from their mom.

I want to be the BFFL with my daughters. For life, forever.

Lily DID IT !!!

As I expected, Leigh did her presentation on Friday and it was fine, she said. I was anxious the whole day and wanted to call her at 11am to find out how she was doing. I controlled myself and did not call. She clicked on the wrong file so she presented the long version of power point and talked really fast. But she did it all by herself. Victoria gave her an A for the presentation and A+ for the module she made. I am so proud of her for over coming her anxiety and doing the presentation. It doesn't matter what grade she got. She did it, that is the point.

Lily did a great job !!

Last night we had smore. The fire, the chill, the companies, that was a great time. Lily went to her room early but later I found her practicing her presentation in her room. I am so proud of her. She faced the challenge herself. With that, I know she will do a great job with her presentation. I told her she already got a A+ from me and her dad. I am so proud of this girl.

What can I ask for? What I have now is making me very happy. I used to think only the sense of accomplishment I got from work could make me happy and satisfy. And then I found myself looking for something else in the same time. Looking for different jobs, looking for different boss, looking for higher accomplishment from my kids, looking for a more understanding and more communicable husband, etc. I didn't realize that "job" wasn't the answer. It's me.

People said "follow your heart". I thought I did. Now I really looked into my heart and realized that "family" is in my heart. I have been trying to push "family" out of my heart and trying to squeeze "job" into this small space, but "job" wasn't big enough to fill my space. And then I tried to put "family" back into my heart and the space wasn't big enough for both. So things started falling apart. Maybe I am getting older, but I remember how important "family" has meant to me in the past. It is in the same way now with my own family. And I want my kids to understand that, too.

I know they will.

Hoping the 20mg + 20mg of Buspar will help !!

Lily started the 40mg of Buspar a day now; hopefully that will help. Big presentation about Stonehenge tomorrow. She was freak out today and couldn't go to school. She needed a mental break, she said. She said she will go to school tomorrow for the presentation and Monday for the Math test.

Good reminder of my own anxiety

D reminded me that my own anxiety might send a wrong message to Lily and caused a false expectation and therefore anxiety on her. That is a good point. I never, at least not any more, want Lily to push herself so hard or to be perfect. But my anxiety of helping her succeed so she feels good about herself makes her believe that I want her to be perfect. What a good point. These social workers are damn good ! So I need to relax and not mention any thing about Lily's presentation at school. I need to relax.

Lily is having some mini anxiety attack again. It must be the presentation coming up causing that. I am not good at coaching, am I? D told me what to say to Lily but I still didn't say it right, did I? Lily is having some flash and fainting feelings. She cut herself again last night and she didn't know why. Just felt sad, she said, but not sure why. She didn't want to go to school but I insisted and she went. I reacted matter-of-fact and told her she needed to get ready and go to school, and she went. D thought I did a great job. But later I felt sad and cried in his office. I thought it was the holiday music that made me sad, but I guess not. It's the morning event.

Lily is feeling hungry all the time. I emailed Dr. L to see if it's the Abilify making her hungry. We might need to test her sugar level.

Still haven't discussed Thanksgiving dinner. I am avoiding it, I know. It's so bad. But D and K have two different views on this. What should I do? I hope they all can have a big meeting about us - K, D, L and J. That way I don't get confused with what I should do.

I hope Lily will be happy with her presentation. It doesn't matter how it comes out. As long as she is happy with it, she gets an A already, to me.

I need to watch Lyanne, too. She felt I am spending too much time with Lily. Although I know it's not the case, but it's her feelings.

Today was a crazy day - I was 10 min late for Lyanne's school bus. Jessica is so nice, she let Lyanne stay on her bus until I got home and she drove her home. That is wonderful. Got to get a nice x'mas gift for Jessica.

I got to calm down and take it easy. Not working doesn't seem to help with my relaxation. So strange. I don't know why I am always so busy and always in a rush. I need to relax and just take it easy. Don't try to get too many things done in one time. That's the problem, Pei.

Life of Post-Thomson

I have quit my job at Thomson for over a month now. It's not bad, not as bad as I thought it would be. Seriously. I guess the difference now is I have a goal of "quitting" my job, that is to help Leigh recover from her depression. In the past I had no goal of quitting my job other than I was pissed with my work or I was tired of it. So the life post work is not bad. So what now?!!

Thanks God Leigh is doing so much better. Comparing to last year this is heaven. We don't fight. There is no yelling and screaming any more. My only concern is she does what she is supposed to all the time. Kathy thought I am like walking on the egg shell - always afraid Leigh will get mad or be sad about something. Now I am not sure what to do with the laptop that we gave her for her attending the group therapy. Jonathan is so sweet. He totally let Leigh decide if she wants to attend the group therapy or not. That is so very sweet of him. It is so important to have a therapist who understands and tolerates you. Who doesn't judge your decision. Besides, he always smiles. Always. Dr. Lagrou is a sweet heart, too. He totally understands Leigh. That is a bless. So me quitting my job is totally worthy. With me now go to the UM Depression Center 4 times a week I am confident that Leigh will totally recover. I just hope she will have good 4 years of high school.

I still get upset sometimes and still have my anxious moment. Dan seems to be nice, too. My goal is to let go my childhood memory and can truly relax and not to worry about any thing. I am getting tired of being worry and anxious all the time. Poor Arthur and the kids have to suffer from my anxiety. But hey I am dealing with it now. So be patient with me.

Now next challenge is how to make Leigh go to the Thanksgiving dinner in Joyce's house. Gees.. .always challenge. But Kathy is right though, she can't control our family life that way. She needs to just deal with it. We will see... it's my challenge at the moment and like Kathy said I need to be confident and firm..... ok... be firm.