Lately

I have been talking to Mom everyday over the phone. Mom mostly didn't want to talk much. She especially avoid talking about her condition. She started coughing lately and the doctor re-visit proved that her lung cancer cells are growing bigger ;-(

It is so hopeless that I am so far away and can't to anything. I can't even take her out to the park when it is sunny day in Taipei. This is the saddest part, not about her cancer, that there is NOTHING, literaly NOTHING, I can do about her illness. Brother seems to agree with the doctor that Mom should try different chemo. Ag Gi and I think Mom should focus on Chinese medicine from now on.

Watching Mom suffer is really painful, but watching my own husband ignoring what is happening to my own mother and continue to smoke is even more painful. It is like I have this long term project waiting for me to take over.

Why can other people's parents live up to 90s but mine can't?? What did I do wrong? Or what did I not do enough?

I really hope, really/really/really/really hope that Mom won't suffer any pain. I hope that Mom will die peacefully and painlessly ;-( If God is fair like others said, then he should let Mom die peacefully and painlessly since she is already sick!

That's it! God already give the illness to my Mom, at least let her die peacefully, please!

Mom is home !

Mom went home on 2/16/2012 ! She was very excited and stayed awake for the whole mornign just so that she can come home with us. She walked up the stairs 5 stories with our support. She likes her new room. She walks from her bed to the bathroom with our support, too. So she doesn't need the potty chair any more, yay!!! Way to go, mom!

The anxiety between my sister, my sister-in-law and me are just intense. But we have to understand our good intentions and try to support each other.

Ati is great! I really like her. She is very kind, very patient, very humble and willing to learn. Most of all, she cares about mom. That's it! That is all I want is someone who really cares about mom. We went through the entire food/medicine/suppliment schedule and she is catching up fast!

Mom still feels dizzy sometimes but can eat with her mouth sometimes, too. Mom stared taking Tarceva on 2/13 so it's been 7 days. Hopefully the side effects are minimum.

Arthur and the girls are coming in the morning, yay!!! Mom will be very happy to see them.

Mom walked for a long time today with just a little help!

Mom has been having really good spirit these few days. Woke up cheerful, stay awake for longer time, willing to use potty chair, AND walked with just a little help from brother and me in the garden. She was doing great walking in the garden with just a little support from us. I think Mom can climb the stairs back home herself !! We think the energy drink from the Chinese medicine doctor is helping.

Mom started taking Tarceva today. I hope it will help her!

This morning when mom woke up she told me secretly that "she had a dream". I asked what kind of dream with a little fear that she drame of my father or my oldest brother ;-( Mom smiled and told me she had a dream that someone wanted to marry me. "Me?" Yes, a very rich man who owns a department store. "Wow.. a rich man wants to marry me?" Yes, "but I said no." Why? "Because if he marries you then I don't have anyone." That is the sweetest thing I have ever heard from anyone. Mom doesn't want the rich man to marry me because she wants me to be with her forever ;-) This is making me sad because I told her "I will never marry and I will live with you forever."

Brother's home is ready for mom to go home. Mom will see the Chinese medicine doctor at Tse Chi, and will re-visit the radiation doctor on Tuesday, and then she can go home !! Mom can't wait to go home. "What do you want to do the most when you go home?" I asked. "To live a normal life." Mom said.

So we plan for Mom to go home on 2/15, yipeee... the Indonesia helper, Ah Di, will come Friday morning. Let's hope all will go well with Mom's home-coming!!

Mom is progressing !!

Mom got off her bed and got on the wheel chair, wohoo !! She did it almost every day now. I pushed her around the floor and admired the Chinese paintings on the walls. She still keeps her eyes closed. I asked her why? It's too tire to open her eyes. She said. Can you imagine even opening eyes is tiring. I can't imagine sitting up, standing on the floor, walking, etc. Every little thing is taking all her energy.

Doctor said once mom is done with the radiation on 2/6 she probably can go home ;-) What a great news that comes with fear and worries. How is mom going to handle her routine at home? Even we hire a helper, is mom going to stay in the bed all day, still? Does she have the motivation to take control of herself and her action? I don't know. Mom does have the motivation to eat and to go to the bathroom herself I guess because it is not comfortable go potty in her diaper. But lying in bed and sleeping all day is comfoy, she said.

Radiation doctor told me this morning that once mom is all done with the radiation she will start losing hair ;-( Little by little ! Why does "hair" matter that much? Mom has been suffering from losing the ability to walk, to chew and to swallow, but losing hair seems to be the most miserable side effect to me. Why? I don't know. It looks sad, I guess.

Every time when people ask how old mom is, I try to boot up her age by responding 79 almost 80. Why? I feel ashamed that mom is suffering from cancer in such a young age, 78. People with good intention show sympathy about mom's young age, but I feel ashamed. It must be the kids' fault that a young mother suffers from cancer. I don't know. I just feel that way.

Sitting here listening to mom's snoring is very reassuring. Ah.. mom is alive and living strong! Many times I woke up in the middle of night with fear, checking mom's chest to make sure she is still breathing.

A friend told me not to think about losing mom forever, just go day by day. It is so true. Imagine I will never see mom again and never talk to mom again makes it untolerable.

It is not acceptable.

Unpredictable Routine

We got a routine, a very chaotic and unpredictable routine. But the very certain predictable within the chaotic unpredictable makes life here in the hospital very fulfilling.

First started with our morning, "Good morning, mommy" usually received a very cheerful Good Morning in return. Changing diaper, adding a sheet underneath, baby powder, diaper, and occassionally vomittiing are the easy one. Mom's desire of getting off the bed and going potty herself is the tough one.

My Mommy

It was a strange voicemail. It was from my brother in Taiwan. I had a feeling that he didn't sound right; he asked me to return his call on his cell phone. He rarely asks me to return his phone call not to mention this time he wanted me to return his phone call to his cell phone. Must be something wrong. Would it be mommy? What else? I called him. Mom is sick.

Mom has cancer !!!

Doctor's first diagnosis is possible lung cancer which has moved to her brain causing dizzy and imbalance. So brother took mom to the local clinic who then prescribed some medicine for dizziness. A day later mom was still dizzy and couldn't walk well. Brother then took mom to the local hospital where doctor did x-ray and saw something in mom's lung. Doctor highly recommended brother taking mom to the ER. Brother then took mom to the Tzi-Ze Budhist Hospital where doctors did x-ray on mom's lung, and then MRI on mom's brain. It's lung cancer which moved to mom's brain and caused 4 big brain tumors. The tumors are blocking some of the nerve cells which affects mom's mobility. Mom moved in to the hospital on 1/16 evening. Brother called me on 1/19, and I flew to Taipei on 1/21.

Mom has been well and not-so-well back and forth. First day on 1/21 mom recognized me right away, she smiled when I told her I am Pei Pei. Right after I put mom's teeth in her mouth she asked "what is Arthur going to eat?" Mom was still concerned with Arthur's eating. Mom was very weak and hardly talked. But today 1/22 mom did very well. Mom was joking with us, kind of, and making comments about our conversations, etc. Mom had a pretty good spirit today.

Doctors realized mom has infections in her throat which caused her neck swelling and difficulty breathing and swallowing. So they put mom on anti-biotics and an oxygen mask. With the difficulty swalloing doctors recommended inserting food tube to ensure sufficient nutritions for mom. So they did it today. It was horrify to Bi Yao and Mei Jong, but I was ok. I watched the whole process. It was uncomfortable for mom, very much. But that is the only way to input nutrition to mom now. She needs to have more energy.

Life is tough, it's even worse when you lose your health. I am blessed that I can spend all these time with mom right now. There is so much love and joy in this hospital room.

So mom got to get better! She has to!

Leigh, Leigh, Leigh......

It's been great the past month since our trip to Chicago during X'mas. We had fun ice skating, shopping, tour around UofChicago campus, driving town seeing different parts of Chicago. It was cold, but we had fun.

January was fine back to school. Leigh did well at school, at theater, etc... until the 2nd trimester when Geometry AC got harder, and theater MIFA competition got intense. Leigh was pretty stressed out. Reluctant to go to school because of theater rehearsal (light) started. Procrasnated doing homework all over again. It looks like 2 years ago when she was depressed. Friendship with Kenzi got soared even new friendship with Carolina and Marina got better.

Two weeks ago she got mad at me and I had to go pick up Lyanne from bus stop, she took 8 pcs of Abilify. Today she met with Jonathan Marin and she told him that she has suicidal thoughts because of all the stress. Jonathan recommended me took her to ER and get evaluation. We did. Went to ER, waited for 4 hours, talked to social worker and therapist. She was totally fine at the ER room. We looked at magazine and looked at shoes and clothes, etc. They weren't even sure if she needs to stay in the hospital or not. They wanted her to promise that she won't hurt herself. She couldn't promise, but we worked out a plan that she will let me know if she is not able to work things out herself and if she needs help. Sounds like a good plan.

We went to Chilis for dinner because Leigh really wanted it. We had a good time at the dinner. Got home, Leigh took a break and then came downstairs told me she has no idea what is going on in Math chapter 5 and they are going to have a test on this Friday. She said she was so tired and I knew she wanted my permission for her to just go to sleep and not worry about the test. I asked her what else she can do to get familiar with the materials. She refused to read the book and do the practices. I told her just go to sleep then. She did. When her dad told me I shouldn't have given her the permission and I defended that I didn't, bla bla bla, Leigh came downstairs upset that we were gossiping about her. That we shouldn't even talk about her behind her back, etc., etc.

Does high school even matter? Does going to college even matter? There are people that never go to college and are successful. She just needs to have one skill. It could be any skill, right?! Maybe we all have to change our expectation from her. Maybe she won't go to college then.

Sun seems to be out soon and the sky looks bluer and bluer every day. Things seem to get better even sometimes there is a sharp turn. Should I encourage her to stay alive regardless what she wants to do, or should I just stick to my standard and let her decide her life? What is the meaning of life if you live below your own standard, and that you know you are living below your own very standard of perfection. She will not be happy. I know that for sure.

Arthur's Big Blow Out

12/9/2009 Arthur went into ER all by himself, chest pain, got a scan and egk, doctors did a stent procedure on one of his blood vessels right by his heart. One hour, it only took one hour and it saved more trauma for him.

This was traumatic for him because millions of thoughts came to me - will he die? will he parallel? how am I going to handle the kids, the house, our finance? I will need to find a job soon then. Will he die??????????????????? What am I going to say in his funeral? Uh???

This was a wake up call. I need to spend more valuable time with him. Thanks God he is ok. He will just need to take 5 medications every day for at least a year, and quit smoking. Now he does 3 cigirates a day, he said. He will slow down and quit eventually.

I am thankful ....

I was once wonder, how long would my nightmare end.

I was once confused, why was my life so different.

I was once resentful, why didn’t I have the family my friends had.

I am now thankful, for the two girls and a man in my life.

I am now thankful, for the great awakening came to me.

I am now thankful, for my ability to change.

I am thankful, Leigh my dear, for your hard work standing strong.

I am thankful, for your courage to deal with your nightmare.

I am thankful, my dear, for your ability to thrive.

I am thankful, my dear Lyanne, for your charm that cheers me up all the time.

I am thankful, my little princess, for you forgiving my rage.

I am thankful, little Lyanne, for singing to me and hugging me when I am tense.

I am thankful, daddy, for your tolerance on my imperfections.

I am so very thankful, for your pure existence.

I am thankful, Arthur, for being there for me endless of time.

I am now thankful, for the opportunity to thank, not regret.

Pei

Thanksgiving Day 2009

First Homecoming Dance !!

Thanks God Leigh's first homecoming dance was over. It was overall a fun experience to Leigh. Although two things - Nate didn't text her when he got there, and she wasn't invited to Nancy's post-dance party - bothered her, but she ended up dancing with Alex (her guy for the week) and she was happy.

She is keeping up with her emotions pretty well - school, homework, tests, boys, etc. She doesn't want to skate again, too much stress and too hard to catch up. I am so worry that her life is not too fulfilled right now. But she likes to take it easy.... .what can I say?

Life is ok now. No argument, no fighting. I have learned to shut up and keep quiet. Just listen. She is pretty much telling me a lot of things, so I am thankful.

Lyanne has sharp eyes. She knows what is going on. One day she was in my car and she asked - mommy, not counting me, Leigh and Daddy, what do you care the most? She stunted me. I didn't know how to answer. Nothing. There is nothing that I care about other than these 3 people in my life. I care about my mom, my sister and my brother, and my friends, of course. But it can't compare. Uncomparable. I would give up any thing to keep these 3 people healthy and happy.

I guess that is how I define my life - my family comes first. I couldn't move on with Leigh being ill. I just had to give up every thing. But Lyanne was confused, I guess. She said, there's got to be something else that you care about. She was so right. I was speechless.

If my current definition of my life is not right, how should I define my life?

BG reunion !!

Finally we got together - Sue Sopa, John Sopa, Kitty, Bruce, and the kids. This is such a strange feeling like you ran into a time machine and go back to 10 years ago..... other than that the kids are not toddlers any more. They are teenagers. Other than that, nothing seemed to change. Adults are still the same - talking, laughing, being silly, and think about what and where good food are, etc. Oh, one more thing, college planning. We used to talk about pre-school and kindergarten, but now we talk about high school stuff and college planning. Sigh !!! Time !! Time really don't let us get away with it!!!!!

It was so comforting to see Leigh getting along well with Elyse and Peter. I am so proud of her. She just took it easy and go with the flow. Oh, how I hope that we never moved and still all live in BG and these kids grew up together and are still best friends. That will be so ...... comforting, secure, and cozy. These 5 kids grew up together and are best friends and best siblings. They can share any thing and support each other..... what a shame. Adults ! Adults ! Adults ! You have too much greed and too much ambition. And it kills the kids' friendship.

Oh, how I wish .................................................

High school, Finally !!!

It's the 3rd day of high school at Skyline High. Leigh was stressed out but she turned out to be calm and ready for it. I am so proud of her. Monday was the Labor Day holiday so school started Tuesday. But boy, Monday morning she was stressed. Snapping at us and was bored. But in the evening she was getting her school bag ready with binders, note books, etc. And even took a shower and washed her hair ;-) She was getting ready. I am so proud of this girl. I can't imagine her anxiety and fear of walking into a classroom with NO ONE she knows. NO ONE. She said. But thankfully she is now having the same lunch hour with Kenzi, Kennedy twins and some Emerson kids. Thanks God.

Second day she said it was getting better than the first day. Good. I told her it will get better.

Now I just need to keep her busy every day with ice skating on Tuesday, Wednesday, and hopefully volunteer work on other days.

Poor girl, high school is scary.

Egg Shell

I feel like I have been walking on the egg shell. In one moment I told Kathy S. that every thing is great, that Leigh is doing excellent. I am so proud of her. In next moment she would change her mood, yelled at Lyanne for no reason (or for a small reason), or get mad at everyone. What is wrong with her? No one, NO ONE can control my life like this.

I have been thinking about ending my life so I don't need to suffer this fear any more. Why don't I??? I don't want to hurt my mom's feeling, my sister's, my brother's. I don't want Arthur to take the consequence all by himself. I don't want Lyanne to suffer from the fact that her mom took her own life when she was 7. I don't want my death to ruin Lyanne's life. How about Leigh? She will either go crazy, stay in the mental hospital for life, or end her own life because of it. I don't want all these to happen.

So I stay alive.

But I refuse to walk on the egg shell. How????

A great 2009 summer in Taiwan and China !!

I am so embarrassed that I have not been here (in the blog) for 7 months. Major things have been going great. There are still minor things which I guess (according to Kathy) are normal part of life with teenagers.

Feb 2009 - during mid-winter break we visited Clair in FL again with Kenzi. I rented a car so I basically drove around town. We had a great time.

March 2009 - Leigh did the Emerson musical and had fun. Although she didn't have a big cast, but she did it and had no drama. A good sign. And Leigh got into Skyline by lottery. Hooray...she was so excited. Now she is all set with high school. What a big relieve for us.

April 2009 - it was decided that we will visit Taiwan this summer. I was so excited. After Leigh's depression what I wanted most was to see my family and to spend more time with my own mother. I can totally understand what my mother had been through with my big brother. It is unfortunate that I have to go through the same (not exactly the same) thing but I have learned my mother's strength and to be brave enough to just deal with it.

Emerson graduation party was coming up so I spent lots of time organizing the party for all the kids. Leigh was again doing great.

May 2009 - Emerson FL graduation trip. Leigh had lots of fun. It seemed to be a great integration for all the kids.

Leigh complained about the Taiwan trip again and got emotional about her seperations from her Emreson friends, etc. Got upset with mom in her car. Went home, mom left, and Leigh took 6 pills of Abilify. Leigh didn't make any remark until 9pm when she got sleepy and told Dad that she took 6 pills. Dad took her to ER. Doctor didn't pump her stomach but gave her charcol powder instead. Mom stated that I will not stop disagreeing with Leigh just so that she won't kill herself. Doctors agreed.

June 2009 - Leigh's middle school graduation !!!! Had a great graduation party. Leigh took an ADD testing and it concluded that Leigh does not have ADD problem. However, Naomi let us know that Leigh is still struggling with depression somehow even she is doing well overall.

Lyanne had a wonderful birthday party at home - Magic School Bus party. 23 kids came over and it was awesome. We (including Leigh and Kenzi) had a great time.

Clair's family visited Ann Arbor and stayed with us for a few days. How fun it was for Lyanne and Albert. I love Clair ! She is a wonderful person.

Leigh didn't finish the volleyball camp. But she said she was going to try out volleyball team.

July - August 2009 -

Taiwan and China. What a great trip for all of us. Leigh did great. She helped with Lyanne and Nanda when we were in Beijing. A few complaints about the heat in China. Food choice was a struggle, too, sometimes. But we managed to find some places that make good kung pao chicken. Leigh was happy then.

We enjoyed the Great Wall of China, a little foggy that day but it was a different experience.
Leigh gave my mom a hug when we saw her and Leigh told her that she misses her. I know my mom was very happy. Leigh continued to do well in Shanghai other than the few shopping drama and the intolerance of the heat. It was really hot. But Leigh had a great time with Wei Wei. Wei Wei had turned into a real woman.

Mom and I talked about my brother and his depression. I want to learn my mother's strength. It is unfortunate that I have to go through the same things that I mom had gone through. But I believe this experience had pulled us even closer and our relationship has been stronger. It's so sad that life has to take this pull. But facing it will be the wisest thing to do. And we need to face it together. It is very comforting to see and hear supports from all family members. Arthur's mom is so understanding and so supportive. I truly appreciate it. The support and understanding from my mom, my sister, my niece and my brother are all so strong which are truly a life support for me. Life can be beautiful if I try to make it work.

The pu gua guy told me that I owe Leigh, Lyanne and Arthur from the past life so I need to nurture them this life. It's good to know ;-)

Now let's walk through the new chapter of life with Leigh - high school.

Happy Chinese New Year !

Chinese New Year party is finally over. Finally !! It went well and all my hard work paid off. Food was great and we got left over ! How's that. Leigh didn't want to go, and then wanted to go, etc. I reminded her that it is a long hour and her dad and I will not be able to take her home if she gets bored. Then she didnt' want to go. About 10pm she called and screamed at her dad's ear.

Maybe I should have encouraged her to go with us. At least she would be surrounded by people and would not get bored and isolated. But I just couldn't deal with her when I was under stress myself. I would scream her head off if she gave me hard time over there at the party.

OK, now Kenzi is going to Skyline. It's good and bad I guess. Good thing is Leigh will have friends and I can be assured that Leigh will hang out with Kenzie but not Mr. Joe Smoe. Bad thing is Leigh will still be surrounded with materialism and monetary desire provided by Kenzi. Oh, well, I guess those are still way better than drug, alcohol and weapon. So over all it's not a bad thing. I am glad.

We are going to Taiwan, Beijing and Shanghai, yepii. I am so happy. I can't wait to see my mom, my sister, my brother and friends. Leigh seems to be happy, too, because her cousine Wei Wei will take her to shoppiong in Shanghai, and her aunt Jennifer will company us in Beijinig. These trips will make our Taiwan/Asia visit a lot more fun. That way Leigh will not get bored then. Good plan.

For mid-winter break Kenzi is coming to FL with us. We still get to stay with Clair, how nice. Now I only need to worry about the spring break in April. Let's just get it done one by one.

You should take a big break, Pei.

Long time no see....

Hey, I haven't been here for a while. It doesn't mean life is all good. We still got bumps and fall, but Leigh seems to be trying to manage her emotions a lot more. She is managing her mood.

The Christmas trip to FL went well. We all saw baby Nanda and Bruce, and enjoyed Sea World. Leigh didn't want to go to the beach with us because she had done too much of socialization. She read books and didn't eat a thing that day. She was sad about the story, she said. We went to Busch Garden together and she got annoyed about the boredom. And then the outlet mall and Juicy Coutour store cheered her up. A lot !!

New Year's Eve dinner again was a drag and she didn't go of course. Mad, upset, cry, and "you don't care about me" all didn't stop us from going to the party that we have been to for the past 15 years. Leigh ended up arranging to join Kenzi for the New Year's Eve. There was no struggle and she agreed to come home after the dinner, no sleep-over. She was fine. Good sign. We did the count down together though. Good-bye 2008. Hope for a better 2009.

Don't get me wrong. My story is not over yet. We still got some drama where "I am going to stab you" or "you should just stab yourself" were said. K said it's not unusual for the teens who have mood disorder to say that kind of things. It's typical. So no worries. ok. I still want to give Leigh credits. She does try very hard like working out in the basement to get rid of her boredom feeling, joining the girl's baseketball team as Assistant Coach, doing the Language project on time, taking med on time, being nice to our pets and her sister, and trying to control herself with us. She tries.

Lagrou said "you have done every thing". I guess.

The road in front of us is getting straighter and smoothier. I am just getting ready for her high school. And she said she is pretty set with Skyline. So Skyline there is.

Thanks God, Thanksgiving dinner is over !

Leigh didn't want to go to the Thanksgiving dinner at Joyce's house originally. She was worry about her anxiety. I had to bribe her with $100, plus Joyce's sent her message and asking her to go. Finally she agreed to go. She did go. I am so glad.

We had a good time. Joe and Dennis are good at singing the karaoke. That was fun. Kathy recommended that we set up a time frame with Leigh so she wouldn't just ask us to leave whenever she wanted to. That was a great idea. So we setup 4pm to 9pm. Leigh did eat with the other kids and kind of played the games with those teens. Although she also spent some time on her iPod and cell phone. But she didn't use her laptop. At 9pm she reminded me that we should leave. So we did.

So I need to remember that with Leigh we always need to setup the right expectation at the beginning so she can't do whatever she wants.

We are going to Somerset Mall tomorrow as our Thanksgiving tradition. We will take pictures with Santa. Lyanne was the cutest. She gave everyone a hug when we left.

It's Leigh's birthday !

It's Leigh's birthday. We call her Gui Gui. That is her nick name since baby. Last night we took Leigh to Gaucho Brazilian Steakhouse for a nice dinner. She was fine at the beginning but then she was done very quickly and didn't feel comfortable. She said that place didn't make her comfortable. And then she said "this is the worst birthday dinner I ever had". Although that hurt my feeling but I didn't say any thing. I just asked her why? She said that place is too formal and she wasn't comfortable. Oh, well, no one is watching you, you know. I said. It doesn't matter.

I still don't know if we should give her a lecture about her comment or if we should just let it go. We need to talk to K about this. Leigh often says negative things to hurt others' feelings. I made special arrangement for her birthday because I know we have never done any thing special for her other than her birthday party. I wanted to take her out for a nice dinner.

This morning I had Lyanne gave her the heart locket necklace. She was very surprised and very happy. Well, that made me feel better about her birthday. She loves the necklace and has been wearing it whole day. She loves Lyanne's and Sammie's photos in it and thought they were cute. She loves the engraving with her name on. I am glad.

Have I been enabling her too much? Jonathan thought she needs to learn that she can't treat others like she treats us. But can she treat us like that? Is she supposed to? I think we know the answer. But how much should we still educate her at this point?

I often wonder if she does have Borderline Personality Disorder. Although she is too young but many symptoms fit her personality and behavior. I got to talk to K about this again even she said adolescents should not be considered BPD because they are still developing and they are borderline anyway. Got to talk to K tomorrow again.

My therapist is great - Daniel De Sena

I saw Dan today. He again helped me to realize that I have problem saying No to some people such as Leigh. I avoid confrontation. I don't tell my true issue and true concerns but instead I just find excuse to avoid saying No. But the truth is, I still get pissed off and I would come back to it later which usually leads into a bigger confrontation. I hate myself for doing that. I hate to disappoint people, but I hate against my own will even more. So I would get pissed off and later I would find chance to get back to people. I hate that! I hate that! I hate that! I guess because: Confrontation = chaos = discomfort = threat to me = losing power and control = danger.

Dan suggested that every morning I tell myself - today there will be some challenges and I will be fine. So prepare for the worst instead of trying to make every day a perfect day. I promised him I will try that and see how it goes. Expand my comfort zone and be flexible to deal with challenges.

All therapy are going well for us now - parenting strategy with Kathy Schoof, Leigh is working with Jonathan Marin and Dr. Lagrou, and I am working with Daniel De Sena. Things are looking good.

This Sunday will be Leigh's 14th birthday. We are taking her to Gaucho Brazilian Steakhouse at Northville for a nice dinner without Lyanne. I want to give her undivided attention. Leigh is turning 14 .... ;-) She is doing so well now and I am so happy for her.

Finally, we talked about Thanksgiving dinner party.

I have been avoiding it. I avoid discussing Thanksgiving dinner party with Leigh just like how Leigh avoids stressful event. Finally I did it tonight. I started our discussion and it ended with tear, cry, threat, and suicidal threat. I knew it. I just knew it would turn into a trauma. But I had to do it, K said. So I did. She couldn't do it, Leigh said. She can't face those people, she said. She will kill herself and hurt herself if we force her to go. I understand. I really do. But I wanted her to face the event bravely just like she did the presentation. It will be painful but she has to face it. This is a part of her treatment, I said. She cried. ok, daddy and mommy will discuss it.

Watching TV together kind of gave all of us a break while we still stayed together. Finally I said, you get to pick an outfit for the holiday and go to the party with us. Leigh's face lighted up and asked if it includes the shoes. So after all, the event is not that miserable for her to face. I felt a little happier. It is not as bad as I thought it was. I want her to face this bravely. I want to help her to get over her social anxiety.

Then I thank. I thank my parents for giving me a healthy mind that I do not need to struggle with myself over the little daily things. We have all been taking it for granted with our healthy mind. We do not understand how difficult it is to battle with our own mind over little thing such as eating and talking.